Everyone Should Feel Special on Christmas...

On Christmas day, Santa comes home feeling extra grotesque due to his massive consumption of sugary treats. He use to cry, and binge, and call Richard Simmons to complain about how unfair life is... that is, until Mrs. Clause started the Christmas-Morning-Tradition of having Santa do something that makes him feel pretty again... make porn.

Isn't that how all the great porn stars get started?

Complexities of Love

Ms. Pac-Man had no idea why Mr. Pac-Man always had her going through all kinds of mazes to win his love.

It would be nice if someone informed her, that even with all the make-up, Mr. Pac-Man sees her as nothing more that what she really is... a fat chick with no boobs.

Belated Thanksgiving

I did not post all last week as I was on Thanksgiving vacation and therefore away from my post-it filled desk.

As is such, I neglected to do one of those requisite Thanksgiving posts wherein I wish all a good holiday and then say what I'm thankful for, both of which I will do now.

So, without further adieu:

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful that my family is not vegetarian and skews on the not normal side.

Bears!

When he was younger, Johnny both habitually peed in the bed and slept with a teddy bear named "Teddy".

When the nuclear war came and Teddy was both brought to life and made gigantic, well... Teddy let Johnny know he was not cool with all the urine.

iPods, Women & Talent

Deaf people don't like iPods.

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Jamie graduated Magna Cum Laude from an Ivy league school and is a high-power executive at a Fortune 500 company, with excellent benefits and beach-front property in 6 different countries. That's right! Quite a catch!

Except... Jamie is also a dude.

So... there's that.

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Why?

Because I'm THAT talented. That's why.

Sort Of Like A Concept Album...

So, here it is, a multi-panel comic.

It took me almost a week to do, and is really very little like a concept album but... whatever.

In my defense, all panels ARE of the same theme... that's where the concept correlation came.

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WIZARD MEETS BOY

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Mutants & Monuments

Jr so much wanted to be like, and play along with, the rest of the children.

Unfortunately, Jr's mom had slept with a cactus, so Jr was not like the other children.

And the other children did not like "cactus heads."

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One day, there will be a monument built in my honor... not because I did anything great, but simply because I will be self-absorbed enough to build a monument to myself and will subsequently plant rumors all over the world that will make people think said monument is on par with (or better than) Mt. Rushmore.

Halloween, Nature and Fish

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!



... even to all the morbidly obese ghosts out there.

Stay strong Bill... stay strong...

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Snake and Rabbit met many years ago. They became friends, but Rabbit knew that one day Snake's natural instinct would take over his mind. Snake disagreed, so they made a bet- $20 said Snake would/would not eat Rabbit.

Today, Rabbit won the bet... but lost, in life.

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Golfish of the future don't make good pets.

PSA on Cats, Paternity Tests & Picasso

This drawing depicts why people shouldn't own cats.

Cats get spoiled by humans and as we all know: spoiled= bad behavior. Hence, these cats are likely to become deviants who end up in bar fights wherein, their eyes are likely to get poked out and they are forced to wear eye-patches that will invariably keep them out of the workforce (unless they are clever enough to attribute the eye-patch to lazy eye-- which, they aren't. ) thereby creating a social epidemic in the animal kingdom.

Also, cat's make people weird.

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The next great reality show:




Which Kid Is Not The Father's?

Please, you know you'd watch it.

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I tried to be Picasso-esque...



...But ended up drawing something that looks like a man eating the nose of another man, while the man he probably used to eat the nose of stands angrily in the background.

Eating the nose is not a metaphor (that I know of anyway).

The Next Great Sitcom?

ALIEN & 70s COP

One's a cop who plays by the rules, the other is an alien who likes to break them... Plenty of shinanigans to ensue!


Just for the sake of mentioning: I found a purple marker in the office today! (apparent level of glee means soul is slipping into a state of insanity) This, along with the discovery of a yellow highlighter that leaks a lot of ink and therefore creates a fade effect when used w/red gel pens, has led to the realization that there may be more art tools in the office than I originally thought...

This Week In Review...

I draw everyday, but then run out of time/forget to post.

As such, here are all of this week's drawings as a series, to be enjoyed/repulsed by all at once... the way classy art was meant to be enjoyed/repulsed by.

MONDAY'S PIECE:



Todd got hit in the head with a baseball bat when he was a child. That's why he was an ineffective communicator.

Nancy was also hit in the head with a baseball bat. That's why she married him.

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TUESDAY'S PIECE:




Half man, half shark, Billy was very much dreading his first day of school... mostly because he wasn't wearing any pants.

J.C. Penny- why do you refuse to think of the (shark) children?

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WEDNESDAY'S PIECE:



Uprooted trees, house roofs ripped from their foundations, dogs' hind legs/posterior ripped from their bodies...

That's what I was gonna call this drawing, but I decided the most summarizing title would, instead, be:

Reasons Not To Climb Trees During A Hurricane.

(clearly, I am very familiar with hurricanes)

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THURSDAY'S PIECE:



Robert dropped out of high school to see the world (and according to his suitcase, Mars), but he was headed straight for Despair.... a town so aware of its ghastly existence that it has named itself said adjective (noun?), and litters its port of entry with clues as to what sort of dreadful fate one will incur in its midst.

Among these clues: bones (not just props), a chart detailing sinking profits, wrinkle cream, and a tv that only shows The View re-runs.

Oh, Robert... and to think, you had so much potential.

Note to town of Despair:

You’re way won’t work. See Las Vegas advertisements.

Sidenote Explanation:

I just realized that you can click on images to enlarge them, so I don't have to keep explaining captions.

I'm still going to write captions, but the viewing experience is much better if you click on the image.

Drawing 10/12/07:



A bottle of glue who's logo is a horse that looks like a platasaurus.

A platasaurus who is crying.

Because death is near.

Is glue even still made from horses???

Two Today...

DRAWING 10-10-07:




The caption here, I think, needs no further elaboration, but if you didn't catch the subtex, just remember:

Pencils are sharp, crafty little bastards- 'nuff said.


DRAWING 10-11-07:




The caption reads: Just like his Russian ancestor, Spike had been tricked into space... and was going to die.

A dog WAS the first thing that got sent to space, right?

I think I read that somewhere... I'd wikipedia it, but I like thinking a dog got sent up for the sake of science.

Now THERE is a hero.

Drawing The Second...

This little tyke is having a terrible Halloween. First there was the atomic bomb dropped by some seemingly careless pilots who I assume were playing hip-hop/emo songs on one of them crazy iphones when they decided to turn up the volume... but accidently hit the 'Drop Atomic Bomb Right Now' button (to be fair, iPhones can be tricky at first, so I'm willing to grant a pardon on this one... eveybody makes mistakes).

Then there was the rabies infected dog, who seemed friendly at first, but like all rabies dogs, this dog was crafty, and as soon as little Joey reached to pet, the dog turned killer. Perhaps Joey should have stayed home tonight. His costume is crap anyway.

Note to self: Costumes that require a t-shirt stating what you are = Halloween tears.

Drawings the first...

Here are the drawings from the last week of September, and the first week of October. Later on, I think I'll do these posts as more of a one picture per day thing, but for now, this is how things will be.



Here's an alien eating a paperclip- sweat relief after a long/boring day at the office? Or perhaps he was just curious in an alien sort of way; after all, there are no paperclips in Mars... not to the best my knowledge anyway, but I'm not too big on science, so I could be wrong. Also drew a picture of a man trapped in bottle that use to hold either poison, or REALLY strong liquor.



Here's the doodle of a clever little worm/snake who found his way into a tasty, and seemingly hollow, apple. Also, on the left margin, drew a sphere (NOT a circle... circles are flat... I drew something round). And of course, there is also a leaning, twisting pyramid of the future that's about to crush an unaware man of the future.

Builder's of the future take note: don't get too creative. Or we all die.



Lacking a bit of creativity on this particular day, it seems... Here's my name written over and over to eventually form a nice little line drawing.



In case you can't read the words, this little image is called: Fat Man Meets Cow.
The fat man is saying "Mmm... delicious," and the cow is thinking 'Help.' I probably should have tagged an exclamation point onto that 'Help.' I mean, I figure the cow would be desperately afraid, rather than moderately afraid, in this particular sort of situation. Or, maybe he thinks 'delicious' means 'I'm here to set you free.' Either way, I ask you to think of this little cry for help the next time you eat a steak.

The Introduction

So, here's the deal.

I have a really boring, mind-numbing, crap-tastic job.

The only way to sustain myself through the day, is to do things that I'm not supposed to be doing, but which can be hidden from co-workers, and don't take too long to do (not because I'm terribly worried about productivity, but mostly because I don't want to get fired and not be able to pay rent this month).

Hence, I move things to places they usually aren't located, surf the internet, and, of course...

DRAW.

Here, you'll find my drawings. No Monet of course, but pictures with thoughts that help me get through the current day, and onto to the day when I get the dream job I'm after (at which point, I will quit my current job in a dramatic fashion worthy of television parody, and including some sort of big fire... or pack of rabid dogs). Enjoy!